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THE FINAL BATTLE
A nice working/middle-class living room with bookcase, fireplace, and fireplace tools, but behind the fire in the fireplace is a hidden world that one days erupts and forever stains the peace of that home. Addiction, negative mirroring, and violence create hidden worlds that visit horror on the innocent and trusting, whether stranger victims, co-workers, family, or friends – online or in the flesh. The monster is erupting from the wall, there is an opening to another world and innocence is under attack!
When I was providing sex offender treatment, all too often the good family life clients presented was a facade and there was a hidden monster in the home that typically, only the victim every saw in all its true colors and amorality. The hearth is a symbol of home, the home fire, the warmth of the living room, but for a victim of family sexual abuse, it is a place of horror - the penultimate symbol of the lie and abuse hiding in the house. The victim may have thought at times of grabbing some of the fire irons to clobber the perpetrators or use a red hot one to leave a scar.
The offender typically took advantage of this facade and hit behind it - after all, it is hard for the truth of offending to filter into everyday awareness. More often, if it is discovered, the mother is very upset but the father cries and promises to never do it again - Give Me Another Chance! And quite often they get another chance - to be more careful and not get caught next time!
I remember a case where the man was totally in denial. He knew his wife would leave him if he admitted to it and the wife openly stated that their marriage would be over if it turned out he actually abused their daughter. This created a treatment dilemma: he had to own his offense to really get through treatment, but if he did, he would losoe his wife and family. It was a hard choice to come clean. We had a family meeting the day he owned up to the offense. The moment the wife heard his confession, she stood up and walked out - the marriage was over. She had drawn a line and he had crossed it. It was a powerful and painful moment!!
Most offending, including domestic violence, requires an offender to create two worlds: one where he carries out the abuse just as he wants to, and one where he is a good guy, upstanding, non-violent, admirable even. The hidden world does not abide by the morals of the visible world.
When offending, “honesty, integrity and morality went out the window,” as John Edwards mistress said on the UNITED STATES OF SCANDAL on CNN. The train was heading in that direction and she just gave up and went with it. It is even more so with sexual offending.
And one should say, to explain why people are willing to go in this direction and risk their family life, their community standing, their jobs and career, and their freedom! They need mirroring! They feel like they need more attention, and few things are better than sex for providing quick shots of that. Once children enter a marriage, the amount of attention a man gets is watered down and diminished. If a man has a solid foundation, he can handle that. If he has core level damage, he likely has a mirroring deficit and not even a loving wife who shares that love with the children will be enough. A hidden world is required to make up the deficit that existed before the individual even entered his marriage or relationship. It’s only when the amount of mirroring being provided goes down in volume that the deficit shows itself and leads to compensatory behavior. It’s like in a nuclear reactor when the water level covering the plutonium rods starts to drop: thing heat up and move into a danger zone and if things aren’t corrected, bad bad things will start to happen. Some men will just drink or drug rather than betray their loved one sexually. Others will have anonymous sex with other men in shopping center restrooms or parks at night even though they aren’t homosexual - the crux is that they don’t have sex with another woman - it’s a workaround so they don’t have to betray their wife (at least in their own mind).
THE FINAL BATTLE: watch out for those hidden worlds: hidden worlds where the morals and values we tend to hold in common don’t apply. Call it hell, call it hypocrisy, it’s about the ego and core being on the same page. It may take a lot of work to get the ego and core on the same page, but that is what integrity and character is about and that is what treatment is about that is seeking core-level change rather than just a version of “Flip That House!”
A nice working/middle-class living room with bookcase, fireplace, and fireplace tools, but behind the fire in the fireplace is a hidden world that one days erupts and forever stains the peace of that home. Addiction, negative mirroring, and violence create hidden worlds that visit horror on the innocent and trusting, whether stranger victims, co-workers, family, or friends – online or in the flesh. The monster is erupting from the wall, there is an opening to another world and innocence is under attack!
When I was providing sex offender treatment, all too often the good family life clients presented was a facade and there was a hidden monster in the home that typically, only the victim every saw in all its true colors and amorality. The hearth is a symbol of home, the home fire, the warmth of the living room, but for a victim of family sexual abuse, it is a place of horror - the penultimate symbol of the lie and abuse hiding in the house. The victim may have thought at times of grabbing some of the fire irons to clobber the perpetrators or use a red hot one to leave a scar.
The offender typically took advantage of this facade and hit behind it - after all, it is hard for the truth of offending to filter into everyday awareness. More often, if it is discovered, the mother is very upset but the father cries and promises to never do it again - Give Me Another Chance! And quite often they get another chance - to be more careful and not get caught next time!
I remember a case where the man was totally in denial. He knew his wife would leave him if he admitted to it and the wife openly stated that their marriage would be over if it turned out he actually abused their daughter. This created a treatment dilemma: he had to own his offense to really get through treatment, but if he did, he would losoe his wife and family. It was a hard choice to come clean. We had a family meeting the day he owned up to the offense. The moment the wife heard his confession, she stood up and walked out - the marriage was over. She had drawn a line and he had crossed it. It was a powerful and painful moment!!
Most offending, including domestic violence, requires an offender to create two worlds: one where he carries out the abuse just as he wants to, and one where he is a good guy, upstanding, non-violent, admirable even. The hidden world does not abide by the morals of the visible world.
When offending, “honesty, integrity and morality went out the window,” as John Edwards mistress said on the UNITED STATES OF SCANDAL on CNN. The train was heading in that direction and she just gave up and went with it. It is even more so with sexual offending.
And one should say, to explain why people are willing to go in this direction and risk their family life, their community standing, their jobs and career, and their freedom! They need mirroring! They feel like they need more attention, and few things are better than sex for providing quick shots of that. Once children enter a marriage, the amount of attention a man gets is watered down and diminished. If a man has a solid foundation, he can handle that. If he has core level damage, he likely has a mirroring deficit and not even a loving wife who shares that love with the children will be enough. A hidden world is required to make up the deficit that existed before the individual even entered his marriage or relationship. It’s only when the amount of mirroring being provided goes down in volume that the deficit shows itself and leads to compensatory behavior. It’s like in a nuclear reactor when the water level covering the plutonium rods starts to drop: thing heat up and move into a danger zone and if things aren’t corrected, bad bad things will start to happen. Some men will just drink or drug rather than betray their loved one sexually. Others will have anonymous sex with other men in shopping center restrooms or parks at night even though they aren’t homosexual - the crux is that they don’t have sex with another woman - it’s a workaround so they don’t have to betray their wife (at least in their own mind).
THE FINAL BATTLE: watch out for those hidden worlds: hidden worlds where the morals and values we tend to hold in common don’t apply. Call it hell, call it hypocrisy, it’s about the ego and core being on the same page. It may take a lot of work to get the ego and core on the same page, but that is what integrity and character is about and that is what treatment is about that is seeking core-level change rather than just a version of “Flip That House!”